I have been afraid of spiders since I was a small child. I don't know why I developed this fear, maybe it's a survival code gentically embedded within my conscious mind to fear anything with 8 eyes. Anyway the orgin of my arachnophobia is not important, the fact that I have an irrational fear of spiders is.
Well since my daughter was born, I swore that I would not pass on my phobias to her, and so when ever I saw a spider I would encourage her to be inquisitive rather than afraid. This has helped me face my own fears. Now I don't scream, hyperventilate and run out of the room when I see a spider anymore. But I still don't like them.
My fear was so intense I would have my husband tear apart the bedroom to catch the spider that crawled under the bed, because I wouldn't be able to rest with it in the room. But he had to catch them, I wouldn't let him just stamp on them. All life is precious to me, even the ugly creepy spider that makes my skin crawl. He would moan and grumble about having to get out of bed at midnight to catch the spider that had trapped me in the bathroom. The spider would sit in the doorway waiting for me to take a step before it would make a dash for the other side, trapping me like an evil genius. My brother would often catch spiders and then throw them at me, or he would chase me around the house with the spider for his amusement.
But over the last 3 years I pushed my fear to the edge, with trembling arms and sweat pouring of my forehead, I'd catch the big hairy bastards in a glass then run to the nearest window to throw it out shrieking the whole time. But like a true huntress, I became adept at trapping the little demons and then releasing them back into the urban jungle.
My final obstacle and fear to conquer, was to actually hold a spider. And my daughter forced me to face the ultimate challenge. I was sitting at the kitchen table, surrounded by revision papers when my daughter started bringing me pirate treasure. She would go into the garden and collect small stones that she would hand to me. I would then inspect the stone and deem it worthy or unworthy for the pirate chest. Can you guess what happened next! Yep. 'Mummy mummy ook wot I foud,' Without thinking or looking I opened my palm, I assumed it was another rare gem from the garden of treasure. But she handed me a big black hairy but dead spider. My daughter looked at me with those big adorable brown eyes, searching for praise at the wonderful gift she had just given me. And I frozen with fear. But I couldn't show her my fear, all that hard work would have been for nothing. I could hear my heart thumping in my throat, My eye balls and mouth dried up and I held my breath wondering what to do. Then It happened, the dead balled up spider suddenly began unravelling it's long black legs. It was ALIVE!!!!!! I took a massive breath in. I felt like I was going to pass out, then the spider darted up my arm. 'Mummy it wants to go home now.' The paralysis soon wore off as I shot out of the chair as composed as I could. I tried creating a force field between my stretched out arm and the creature. I slowly walked to the back door as if I was carrying a bomb which was about to detonate. And then tried to shake the thing off. But it just kept on clinging on. The more I shook the further up my arm it went. Allana began giggling before she rescued me from this living hell. She grabbed the spider and put it in the flower pot next to the back door like it was her best friend. 'pider home now mummy.' She had put the spider back where she found it. I stood by the back door for a few minutes just trying to breath properly, because of the huge amount of adrenaline that had surged through my body I found it difficult.
Now I am calm and in a safe place, I can reveal that I have NOT overcome my fear of spiders, I don't think I ever will. But I didn't lose my cool in front of Allana. It paid off, lessons taught, courage in the face of fear and to be inquisitive rather than fearful of strange things. Phew.
Would I do it again? Hell No! Not at least without an element of choice involved. So My next challenge on the spider battle is to catch a spider with my bare hands. Yeah I said it. It may take me another 3 years to do this. But I held a big, black, hairy, eight eyed spider yesterday and so it feels more possible today. Although I'm not going to start looking for opportunities.
